Below are the 4 most recent journal entries recorded in dawgsrule22's LiveJournal:

Saturday, January 31st, 2004
1:09 am	hy is everything wrong in my life Recently I was told that I give away too much info in my journal. After considering and thinking about it I decided I would no longer hurt this friend by doing that. Then tonight happens, so I figure I can write whatever I want since I was lied to. It really irritates me when someone asks or says something then goes off and becomes a hypocrit about what they said. After seeing that tonight it really bugged me but me being myself I couldn't stand up and say something about it. It seems everytime I try and be the nice guy it blows up in my face and I get walked all over. So I say screw that and I'll do whatever I feel like and write whatever is on my mind even if it hurts somebody because in order for me to write it I was hurt first. Hopefully tomorrow will bring a better day. I'm off now to sleep it off and wake up in a better mood. Current Mood: irritated Current Music: nice guys finish last - green day (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 27th, 2004
2:40 pm	pondering things Last night I was on the phone with a person I really enjoy talking to. In the past we use to talk a lot but now not so much mostly because I'm under the idea they wanted to stoped that. The person asked if I would be attending a function on a certain weekend and when I said no they asked why not. I went on saying how I was low on money, wasn't invited, and had other reasons. When the person asked if I wasn't attending for a certain reason I stalled a bit. As the conversation went on I began to open up more to the person before our connection was lost...damn cell phones... After trying to call back four times I received a voice mail from the person saying to have a good night so I took it as they didn't want to talk anymore so I quit trying to call back. To be honest the reason the person suggested is a big reason why I'm probably not going that weekend. The last time i saw them was when I dropped this person off at their home the night before I left to come back to college and broke down and lost it on the ride home knowing I had lost a great thing. Which is why I don't think i can see this person for a while in fear knowing once I do I will break down again. Knowing this it will be a while before I ever do see this person again. I won't be going to their college to visit because of how I felt and was treated last time I made the trip out there and I doubt they would ever take the time to come visit me since nobody has yet to visit me at KSU. Spring Break they are going somewhere I wasn't invited to or probably won't be going to. Then come summer I'll be taking summer classes and probably not coming home since my mom doesn't want me too. I know I take everything to seriously but I always got my hopes up when this person would hint something. Examples being stuff we would do over Christmas break and new years which all never happened. Ok I think I'm done venting for now. Of all I have learned this year at college the most important thing is some things are just not to be I guess it surely can hurt when you realize it. Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Why Can't I - Liz Phair (Comment on this)
Friday, January 23rd, 2004
3:31 pm	process of 2nd semester As I look back on how the semester has progressed I feel as if I am still empty inside. How can I be empty when I'm always busy with organazations, friends, and academics? My hypothesis of feeling empty due to a lack of relationship with a girl I believe has come true. If not for everything else in my life I don't know how I could manage. Classes started off a little on the blah side so far. I already had to drop one class and now I am down to 12 hours. I really like my professors and other classes so far. It seems everybody has plans for spring break except me. Most are going to Daytona but it's been overplayed i've been told by folks who have been there the past few years. The fraternity is talking about going somewhere and that would be great if we did. Ideas so far are South Padre, Panama City, and Cancun. Speaking of fraternity, I recentley was initiated into the Eta Delta chapter of Pi Kappa Phi Fraternity..... DAMN GOOD TO BE A BROTHER!!!!!!!!!!!. Now just waiting on rush to finish so we can get some new pledges in and have some fun. Even with all this I still find myself wanting more... a relationship. After my last "attempt" I doubt I'll ever have one. Maybe God is calling me to the single life but I also feel he is calling me to be a father, mentor, and teacher to children. Many things went wrong in my last attempt and all were mine. No matter how much I care for a girl or tell her it's not enough and it back fires in my face. There is this one girl I would like to ask out on a date but don't want to make this my seventh rejection since starting college in September especially since number six was the hardest to take and hurt me and put me to the lowest I've ever been. Looking ahead to the future, I had my RA interview last Saturday and I think it went well considering I had no sleep (honestly I didn't sleep since initiation lasted so long). February 7th I leave with some other KSU students to head to UGA for a conference. Sorry for this message being so long but I think I'm done writing but plan to update this page more often now. Current Mood: irritated Current Music: Some guys have all the luck - Rod Stewart (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 7th, 2004
8:48 pm	new years resoulution out with 03 in with 04 and the new Billy I realize now that my negativity is getting to be a huge problem. I'm not half as negative as in years past, but I still slip up with the occasional comment that drives people nuts such as "oh I'm stupid." I say such things generally when I make a fool out of myself or feel embarrassed. I'm the pessimist, never the optimist. Someone gives me a compliment, and my responses generally make it meaningless. I'm the one who can't stand to look dumb even though I realize my common sense is lacking in many areas. I know in my heart I'm not really stupid. Perhaps making comments like the one above is my substitute for what others do, which is basically just laughing it off. Other people laugh, learn from their mistakes, and get on with their lives. Me, no. I have to sit and put myself down for it and ugh! blah! I think sometimes I try to be too perfect and don't allow myself to experience the occasional screw up. I'm far too hard on myself. I need to reduce my sensitivity level too. I allow others' comments to stick in my mind, even if they're just kidding. I accept what they say as truth to how they must really feel about me. Isn't that crazy? As a result, you can consider improving self-esteem as my 2004 New Year's Resolution. I guess I just need to learn more about myself. Basically, I think I'm just overanalyzing as usual and putting too much thought into things. Surprisingly, I'm looking forward to school starting back. I'll finally be back to a general routine that doesn't allow me to think as much. Don't get me wrong though. I hate to leave December behind for many obvious reasons, one in particular. Speaking of school, next semester will carry with it new obstacles and tougher hurdles. I just hope I can complete the course and clear the hurdles. Actually, I jumped over many hurdles in the fall of 2003. One was joining 4 organizations. Another was coming out about a crush I had. . She was brought up in a discussion last night at dinner, and I nearly broke down AGAIN. It's still tough when I think about it because we are so close and I wish there was more. It was really hard hearing her say no to a relationship during the holiday season but considering her condition it was for the best I guess. I sometimes wonder if I should go to see her or not next semester. Was it wrong of me to tell her my feelings towards her? I don't think I would've been able to handle it though. I'd say my biggest hurdle "personally" was setting myself up for rejection. I always allow life to pass me by because I never take risks that could turn into something great. As the saying goes, "the best things in life are the risks you didn't take." Fortunately, something great came from the risks I took this past fall. I never would've expected my life to turn around as it has. I feel much happier and more confident, though the first few paragraphs of this journal entry might show otherwise. It's all thanks in part to the person who drove around with me tonight. I compliment this person so much to where I'm afraid I'll scare them off, but I think they've come to realize I express my feelings as an act of kindness, gratitude, and admiration. They also know my words hold meaning to them even though at times I seem to upset her and worry her. If I can say anything based on how 2003 ended for me, it would have to be that "good things will come to those who wait hopefully." Nice guys don't necessarily always finish last even though at times it seems like it.. You just have to find the right person who can connect with you on a daily basis, put up with your hijinks, and comfort you when upset or sad. I just may find that, and if only for a short while it will be worth it. I say short while because who knows what factors school and other things will bring into play. I know deep down though that I will work to progress things as they have throughout the months I have spent in college. The new year looks to hold many new opportunities for me. My RA interview looms, and I get more nervous as Jan. 17th approaches. I hope it goes well and If given the opportunity to join the staff I plan to work hard and do my job to the best of my ability's just as I have in link, kab, and my fraternity. Speaking of fraternity, I feel as though I've been doing lots of work for the chapter. I haven't been getting anything fun out of it. It was suggested to me that I attend the formal this year, Roseball (which is after finals). I'll consider going if someone in particular would like to come with me. May is a long way off though. We'll just play things by ear for now. (Comment on this)